The Intimacy Deception, Balancing Hormones and the MindAs I had my morning coffee, the "Dear Abby" column captured my eye. A reader wrote in with a dating dilemma and ended her letter with that often-heard stereotype that "Women use sex to get love, and men utilize love to obtain sex." This is a fantastic summation of the "Sex Trap."
The Sex Trap resembles the Love Trap, where songs analyze great sex as love. Those who fall into the Sex Trap go even farther because for these songs, having sex carries enormous meaning and effects.
Singles fall under the Sex Trap in one (or both) of 2 methods:
A.they think sex is a needed test of compatibility, (if the sex readies then the relationship will ready also).
B.more commonly, all consciousness goes out the window, and one or both previously level-headed singles consider themselves a committed couple as quickly as they have sex.
So, rather than taking a look at whether this other person may be a match on levels besides physical destination-- such as long-lasting requirements, needs, and wants-- they are blind-sided by the chemistry under the covers.
No doubt, it can be challenging to communicate with truth when all those hormonal agents are cutting loose. Our body reacts to somebody we are attracted to by producing hormonal agents such as PEA or phenylethylamine (natural amphetamine), dopamine and norepinephrine (natural state of mind enhancers), and testosterone ( boosts libido), that makes the opportunity to have sex with somebody we are attracted to very tough to withstand. Then, after orgasm, we produce oxytocin (which acts upon the hypothalamus to produce feelings), read makings us feel really near and bonded with our sex partner.
These chemical reactions are strong and uncontrolled , causing effective feelings of attraction, enjoyment, love, nearness, and well-being .
When problems arise, those who fall into the Sex Trap often rationalize by thinking, "Well, we've got problems, but the sex is great!" They probably would not confess it, but they focus on physical intimacy and concern the rest as optional. Their main searching tools are sexual tourist attraction and physical compatibility.
Barry North, an RCI coach who works mainly with gay guys, says that a lot of his clients have actually fallen into the Sex Trap.
" For gay guys particularly in cities, sex is easily available, which in itself is a trap," North says. "In addition, the culture, with its emphasis on physical appearance, encourages sexual activity. If a possible partner is going to be sexually compatible, numerous gay males desire to find out from the beginning. Why waste your time if the sex isn't going to ready?".
Nevertheless, North includes, "I think this is a ' man' thing instead of a 'gay' thing.".
I do desire to point out that chemistry is this post essential. Chemistry is a provided that we can't control in a relationship; it is either there or not there, and it needs to be there for he said the collaboration to work. If not there, we cannot "make" chemistry happen, though in some cases it can grow over time.
Singles who pursue a relationship based upon sexual chemistry risk relationship failure when the hormone-induced intoxication subsides and truth hits.
To prevent the Sex Trap, you need to balance your heart (and hormones) with your head. This means combining chemistry with sound judgment. While great sex is very important for a sustainable relationship, you need to make your partner options by paying full focus on your vision, goals, values, and requirements -- while feeling all those interesting stimulates!